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Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is bliss, taste it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.
By Mother Teresa
Trick or treat halloween is here
Ghosts and goblins you may fear
Pumpkin patches stripped away
For this spooky halloween day!
Dressed up scary for the night
Give your neighbors a terrible fright
Have a party join the fun
Halloween day has just begun!
This is our poem for halloween day
Our advice is stay away!!!!!!!!!!
The Harvest moon fills the sky
A wicked witch goes flying by
Ghosts and goblins..skeleton's too.
Moaning and groaning, waiting for you
Black cats prowl the graveyard plots
Witches cook in cauldron pots
Cemetery ghouls roam the ground
Not one unopened grave is found
Tombstones are an eerie sight
Shadows dance in full moon light
The haunted house on the hill
Walk in there and you get a chill
Jack-o-lanterns eyes so bright
Trick or Treaters scream in fright
It's a time like you've never seen
Tonight's the night of Halloween.
20 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars.
See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks.
Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds."
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat - with a serious face.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day at work.
14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity . . . e-mail this to someone to make them smile and laugh. Its called therapy.
A blonde was plugging dollar after dollar into the
coke machine at a large Vegas casino. She kept
punching the buttons only to have happen what you'd
expect. Cans of soda popped out, one after the other,
and change too!
After a while, she ran out of dollar bills so went
and got more. Back at it she went, blocking the way
to the other vending machines with the mounting pile
of soda. All kinds. It didn't seem to matter to the
young lady.
People were starting to gather, seeing this beautiful
woman enthusiastically plugging money in like it was
fun. The people were gathering more though waiting their
turn at the machines.
After watching a while, someone asked from the rear of
the group, 'Hey, how much soda does one blonde need?'
'Hey back off, buddy,' she retorts, 'can't you see I'm
winning here?'
A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road.
The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft.
As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.
"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been
working here for six years.
Of course I know what 'UFO' means
'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down.
Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced,
"Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde!
We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"
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After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London,
all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says,
"Hey Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says,
"I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says,
"I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."
He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask,
"Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"
The Guinness president replies,
"Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
The policeman signals to an car driver to pull over to the side of the road,
due to the fact that he appears to be driving erratically.
He says to the driver, "You appear to have been drinking!"
The driver answers, "No sir, I am just tired."
The policeman looks into the car and notices that the driver is a priest!
He also notices that there is an empty bottle on the floor.
He says to the driver, "What is, or should I say was in this bottle?
The driver answers, "Water!"
The policeman says, "It is not, it's wine!"
The driver looks up to the heavens and says,
"Oh Lord, you have done it again!"
Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment.
The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.
"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.
"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."
"How does it work?"
The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the otherside of the wall screams,
"For God's sake, you as*hole...it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"
THE DIVA'S PRAYER
Armani
Which Art in Hermes
Hallowed be thy Gucci
Thy Cartier watch
Thy Prada bag
on Rodeo
As it is in Tiffany's
Give us this day, our Visa Gold
And forgive us this overdraft
As we forgive those who stop our Mastercard
Lead us not into JC Penney
And deliver us from Sears
For thine is the Chanel, the Gaultier and the Versace
For Dolce and Gabbana
Amex
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Several men are sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising.
Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings.
One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, its me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are.
I just saw a Beautiful mink coat.
Its absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"Whats the price?"
"Only $1,500.00."
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models.
I saw one I really liked.
I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ...
and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000 ... "
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...
stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year.
Its on sale!! Remember?
The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... "
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price ...
and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! Ill see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye ... I do too ... "
The man hangs up, closes the phones flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks all those present:
"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg leg?"
The pirate replies
"We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks.
Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well,", replied the pirate,
"we were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords.
One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman.
"How did you get the eye-patch"?
"A seagull crapped in my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well,", said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."
A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.
The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled.
I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry.
Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You're a brave woman," said the dentist.
"Now, show me which tooth it is."
The wife turns to her husband and says:
"Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
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Two mothers were talking about their sons.
The first said, “My son is such a saint.
He works hard, doesn’t smoke, and he hasn’t so much as looked at a woman in over two years.”
The other woman said,
“Well, my son is a saint himself.
Not only hasn’t he not looked at a woman in over three years,
but he hasn’t touched a drop of liquor in all that time.”
“My word,” the first mother said.
“You must be so proud.”
I am,” the second mother replied.
“And when he’s paroled next month,
I’m going to throw him a big party.”
A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU’VE GOT MAIL."
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," she replied as she began to remove the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter," asked little Johnny. "Giving up?"
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An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip.
Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing.
He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"
"You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked.
"Why not?"
She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
One day Jayne walked into a bank to deposit a large sum of money she had won in the casino.
Jayne walked up to the cashier and handed over a cheque for $850,000. The cashier insisted on checking such a large a mount, and so a few minutes later the bank manager appeared to take a look. The bank manager, curious ad how Jayne came to have so much money, started to ask some questions.
"How did you get so much money?"
"Well", she replies, "I'm a bit of a gambler..."
"Really?!" the manager replied, and started to give Jayne a lecture about the evils of gambling.
"No really, it's fun!" insisted Jayne. "I bet you $10,000 that your balls are square!".
The manager was a bit shocked, but after thinking it though, thought that there was no way he could loose the bet. So they shook hands and went out in to the car park so Jayne could check his balls. Standing in the car park was a man wearing a gray suit.
"This is my attorney," said Jayne. "He's here to make sure everything is legal."
"OK" said the bank manager, so Jayne stepped up in front of him, unzipped his trousers and gave his balls a good feel.
"You're right, they're not square!"
The manager smiled and looked over to the lawyer, who at this point was banging his head on the car. Confused, the manager asked Jayne, "What's wrong with your lawyer?"
"Oh, I bet him $100,000 I would have your balls in my hands in five minutes."
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels' bikers walked in.
The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.
Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress,
"Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman become lost in the desert.
Soon enough, they are kidnapped by desert bandits.
They are robbed of anything of value, then thrown in a cell to wait till dawn to be executed.
"This is terrible," says the Irishman. "What're we going to do?"
"All I know is that people in these parts are highly superstitious," says the Englishman.
"They fear the demons of the desert bring ill fortune on them.
Could we could use that?"
The Scotsman thinks for a bit and says, "OK lads, this is what we'll do..."
The next morning the Englishman is led in front of the firing squad.
Just before the triggers are pulled he stares to the left and shouts "Floods!".
The bandits panic and he is able to make his getaway in the confusion.
The next day the Scotsman is led out.
Just before the triggers are pulled he stares to the right and shout "Sandstorm!".
Like the Englishman, he makes good his escape in the ensuing panic.
On the third day, the Irishman is led to the wall.
Just as the triggers are about to be pulled, he stares straight ahead and yells "Fire!"...
A brain walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer please."
The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you."
"Why not?" askes the brain.
"You're already out of your head."
Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled.
"They misspelled my name!"
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A burglar broke into a home and was looking around.
He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you".
Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you".
He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes."
He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses."
The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus".
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A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied
the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a
fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there for long.
Irish Drinking Dare
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A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and
clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.
He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers.
I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here
who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows
back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up
10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint
glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in
amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says,
"If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that
30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub
down the street to see if I could do it first."
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A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighbourhood looking for odd jobs to do when she approaches a large house. She goes up to the house, rings the bell and the owner comes to the door.
He asks the lady what he can do for her. The blonde tells him of her situation, that she is down on her luck and wants to know if he has any odd jobs that she could do. The man thinks about it for a second and then remembers that he has been wanting his porch painted. He asks the blonde if she paints?
The blonde says, "Sure anything."
"Well, I've been wanting my porch painted, how much would you charge?" the man replies.
"I don't know, say $50 bucks."
"Sounds good. Go ahead and get started." He closes the door and walks back inside.
His wife asks him, "Who was at the door?" He tells her of the blonde and her situation and then told his wife that the blonde agreed to paint the porch for $50 bucks.
The astonished wife says, "$50 bucks, but that porch goes the full length of our house and then some. It will be at least a few hours job. You really should pay her more."
"But that's all she said she wanted, and anyway she's a dumb blonde!" 10 minutes later, they get a knock on the door. The man answers the door and the blone stands there and says, "All done."
With a surprised look on his face, "I can't believe it, you're already done painting the entire porch."
"Yes, and by the way it's not a porch it's a Ferrari."
How to get rid of tele marketing callers
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
8. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
9. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.
10. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.
11. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.
12. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
13. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
14. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
15. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
16. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
17. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
18. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
School's Automated Answering Service
The ultimate school answering-machine message...
Hello, you've reached the Automated Answering Service of your school.
In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member,
please listen to all options before making your selection.
To lie about why your child is absent, press 1;
To make excuses for why your child did not do his homework, press 2;
To complain about what we do, press 3;
To cuss out staff members, press 4;
To ask why you didn't get needed information that was already enclosed in your newsletter,
and several bulletins mailed to you, press 5;
If you want us to raise your child, press 6;
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone, press 7;
To request another teacher for the third time this year, press 8;
To complain about bus transportation, press 9;
To complain about school lunches, press 0.
If you realize this is the real world, and your child must be accountable for
his or her own behaviour, classwork, homework -
and its not the teacher's fault for your child or children's lack of effort,
Thank You and have a nice day!
Nearly Caught
The boss called his assistant in and told him that he was taking the afternoon off to play golf, leaving the assistant in charge of the office.
When the boss had left, the assistant said to his secretary, 'As the boss won't be back today, I think I'll slip off early.
I'll nip home and have a couple of hours in the garden with my wife.'
Arriving home a short time later, he was walking past the sitting-room window.
He glanced in and saw his wife on the sofa locked in a close embrace with the boss.
He ran quickly back to his car and drove back to the office. 'I'll never take a chance like that again!' he said breathlessly to his secretary.
'I was nearly caught!'
Overworked?
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school,which leaves 48 million to do the work
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
AWAY ON HOLIDAY
BACK IN 2 WEEKS!!!
SEE YOU SOON
HASTA PRONTO
A PRESTO
A BIENTOT
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